


he is not.

by transperalta



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt Derek Morgan, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Derek Morgan, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27906136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transperalta/pseuds/transperalta
Summary: derek morgan is not suicidal.at least, he can’t be classified as such.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 31





	he is not.

**Author's Note:**

> massive trigger warning for this one!! this fic contains graphic descriptions of suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, and overall suicide is the entire theme of this fic. if this will trigger you, please don’t read!! your health comes first!! 
> 
> i didn’t proofread, and it’s mainly just a vent fic. i’m sorry :/ 
> 
> again, tw for suicidal thoughts and behaviour! don’t read if it’ll trigger you, your health comes first! <3

derek morgan is not suicidal. 

he is an fbi profiler, and a good one, and he knows that he cannot be classified as suicidal.

he does not press a blade to his skin every night, hoping to one day gain the courage to go just deep enough to end it. 

he does not place his pistol in his mouth when he sits in his car, alone, after a long day, and contemplate pulling the trigger.

he does not open his medicine cabinet to empty out the pill bottles that litter the shelves, or take a swig of water to help them down.

he is not suicidal.

he presses the blade to his skin because, after all these years, it's second nature to find himself sat on the tiled bathroom floor with spots of red against the white marble.

he places the pistol in his mouth because he likes to revel in the coolness against his tongue, the way it feels at home between his teeth, and the metallic taste it leaves before he falls asleep.

he opens his medicine cabinet because staring at the pill bottles makes him feel as if he has some sort of family, as they stare back at him and smile. 

these small comforts.

he is not suicidal.

his coworkers would not describe him as sad, and neither would he. he's not sad. he's not miserable, or distraught, or heartbroken.

he's tired. he's exhausted, and drained, and wasting away slowly without anyone to hold on to. 

so there's one sign. he's not suicidal, because he's not sad.

he's not withdrawn, either. in fact, his coworkers would say the opposite. derek morgan is the life of the party. derek morgan is up for anything, and derek morgan is always the first one to suggest a team night out, and derek morgan can't say no to drinks with friends.

just last week, he invited everyone over. they danced badly, and they sang loudly, and his neighbours complained the next morning. 

there's another. he's not suicidal, because he's not withdrawn.

so what if he throws himself into dangerous situations? yes, maybe the other day, he moved in on that unsub a little too fast. of course it's possible that he should have waited for backup on their last case before he stormed through the door. it's true that he probably shouldn't have lunged out and taken that bullet a few weeks ago. 

but it's listed as 'uncharacteristic reckless behaviour'. that's what spencer said the last time they had a case with suicidal aspects. 

this isn't 'uncharacteristic'. it's just derek. it's how he's always been, and he knows that. maybe others don't, but he does. he knows that it has to be true. 

yet another reason. he's not suicidal, because he's not uncharacteristically reckless. 

still, he finds himself giving pieces of his heart away each day. unknowingly. 

first it was the ring he bought on his first day at the bureau, because he thought it made him look more sophisticated. he gave it to rossi. he thought that he'd appreciate it's beauty more than he did right now. 

then it was the scarf his mother had gifted him after one of his first, particularly difficult cases. it reminded him that she loved him. and yet, as the years went on, he found the comfort fading. the threads loosening. he gave it to jj. maybe she could repair the fabric of this love. 

next were his sunglasses; the ones he'd bought with his first paycheque. he wanted to look cool, like an fbi agent should. they no longer gave him strength, instead reminding him of his weakness. he gave them to penelope, in the hopes that they could make her a little stronger. lift her head a little when he no longer could.

after that it was his copy of slaughterhouse five, a book his twelve-year-old self took everywhere with him. the pages were tattered, and torn, and read. he knew that emily would treasure it with as much love as he once had. 

he left hotch a coin. a large, heavy challenge coin, the only one that he never took out with him. the only one that never even left the desk in his office, sat in its box shoved away in a drawer next to his badge and gun. his father had given it to him the week before he died. the insignia was a constellation, and the inscription read “ad astra per aspera”. through adversity to the stars. hotch would understand. he always did.

to spencer, he gave away his ipod and headphones. his playlists held a piece of him which he couldn’t quite explain on his own. the songs knew him like no other. they spoke his words for him. derek knew spencer would hear them. truly, wholly, hear them. 

but derek morgan is not suicidal. 

one ticked box isn’t enough to diagnose him. one ticked box is almost as insignificant as he feels. 

derek morgan is not suicidal.

even if his coworkers start to worry when he flirts a little less and drinks a little more. 

derek morgan is not suicidal. 

he couldn’t be classified as such, anyway.


End file.
